Rush

The room fell into an uneasy silence as I slid into it from the doorway on the right: the strong winds that promised a thunderstorm suddenly became dumb and the distant sounds of a howling dog turned into a memory—as if everything was ushered into silence, awaiting the start of a good scene that was meant for unadulterated viewing only.

No commentaries please! No small talk inside the theater! No smoking, drinking or eating allowed inside the auditorium! You are not allowed to breathe!

I put down the bulky messenger bag that has been burdening my shoulder for the past ten hours into its usual position by the dresser and took off my socks and tucked them into my shoes, which I gracefully toed-off while entering the room, then I proceeded by taking-off my shirt and my favorite denim jeans which left behind my blue and white pinstriped boxers that carefully hugged my scrawny body and kept me a safe distance from being fully nude.

I sat on the edge of my bunk that has become my refuge for the past four year—with the crisp blue sheet that was a sight to behold, topped by an old striped comforter laying across the old black bed in a non-recognizable form, carefully pinned down by the two pillows, dressed in a quirky case that bear prints of archaic shells and fleurs-de-lis, that were within my reach—but I decided to forgo slumber, instead I decided to reach to the table at my front and take what was left of a box of Marlboro lights, taking the stick that preceded the one which I had carefully turned over a day before.

The smoke rose into the air, as I let out the remnants of my first puff of the cursed poison—steadily mixing with the stale air that hangs inside the room and with the salty tears that escaped my eyes, brought about by the smell of burning paper and tobacco that slowly filled the room, impregnating the confines of the four walls with the scent of my chosen vice.

My prized dagger lied in peace on the hard concrete floor—a replica of a sixteenth century Italian weapon which I bargained for in a flea market six years before—glimmering with an invitation that I answered as I carefully snuffed my cigarette in a blue shot glass where I house the honorable dead butts that have serviced my lips with smoke.

The eyes of the non-visible audience grew wider, anticipating the scene that will logically follow..

I unsheathed my dagger and ran my fingers across the iron blade, noting in my head the features that have somewhat fallen into a dull state over the past years yet still sharp enough to inflict pain, and I carefully held the knife—as I did not want any accidents to happen that might save my life.

I could hear the imaginary crowd gasp in their seats and squirm in the sight of horror..

There was a slow rush of red and an even louder silence followed as I felt the heat as the liquid slowly crept down my arms and I wondered why a certain heavy numbness started to creep through by body, preventing me from the pain I sought to feel.

My mind told me it was time for another smoke, so I stood up and reached for the almost empty box of gold and white, unfazed by the blood that dripped into the floor and the table.

They can clean it up later.

Using the shaky fingers attached to the hand in the end of my uncut left arm, I took out my wish-stick—the last stick in box that has become a tradition of every pack and I steadied the flame of my lighter into the end of the cigarette that hanged from my lips.

And as the tip of the white roll of shredded tobacco started to burn, I let out the last wish among countless others:

Give me peace.

Disforget

Warning: This post is unusually long. If you're not into reading long blog posts, do not proceed. If you are, then get yourself a comfortable chair. You'll need one.

I always had an eclectic taste in music. Unlike most other gay dudes out there who prefer high-pitched diva songs and popsy female vocals, I often find myself listening more to alternative rock bands, "emo" OPM acts and music that only straight guys would understand. Maybe this is the effect of spending seven years in an all-boys school where each first Friday celebration is accompanied by rock sounding mass songs... or maybe I was just born with heterosexual ears.

My usual Musikcube playlist is dotted with songs from many of my favorite bands: Spongecola, Yellowcard, Acceptance—to name a few. The emo sound really sticks to my ears, and I often find myself singing songs that would never give a hint of my sexual orientation.

But this post isn't about my auditory preference, but about one song from one of my favorite bands—the song that keeps on playing on my head; the song that I sing every time I board an FX home; the song that has kept me awake many nights, thinking and humming and introspecting.

That song is none other than Join the Club's Dekada (Nakalimutan Ko Na Bang Magmahal?).

***

I remember the first time I had a serious relationship: it was my senior year in high school. I rose from being a nobody to one of the campus figures—the one you see every morning and leading prayers, the one who asked you to rise and sit at every mass, the one who wrote the best documents for the student council, the one who introduced every guest, performer and activity during major campus events.

He was really more of a nobody. While I was standing under the lights of the follow-spots of the gymnasium, he was there among the multitude of students on my front clad in white polos and navy blue pants. We didn't share the same stage.

But to be fair, he did have his own stage. He was one of the best athletes in school, albeit not one of the well-known. Give him any kind of ball and you'll know he'll win. He could even beat me at table tennis if he wanted to.

We didn't really share the same space. His crowd, although not directly in opposition to mine, was not one of those that I hang out with. Unlike most of my batch, he was one of those freshmen transferees who never really fitted into the whole system.

I never really fancied him, nor did he fancy me (I think). All I know is that during our freshmen year, one of my close friends had a huge crush on him. But weird things happen. And come the third academic quarter of S.Y. 04-05, I found myself tied to him. We were the new couple... although no one knew except for him and me.

But it never turned out like the fantasies I had since I knew that I had a liking for men. And within three months, we broke up after an incident that is almost exactly like that in Jojo's "Leave":

Cause I know, about her and I wonder
How I bought all your lies
You said that you would treat me right
But it was just a waste of time.

It's funny that most of my friends only knew about our short-lived affair after we broke up. I guess we were good at keeping secrets. We did have casual sex every now and then after that, but we never really got back together, even if I have always wanted to. (In fact, I even wrote this post, which I reposted for the sake of posterity. And yes, it was a nasty post.)

I had flings and short lived affairs after that, but nothing serious nor long lasting. I guess I felt that that was my first, true relationship. And I never had another one since then.

***

Join the Club's Dekada has strong lyrics. Strong in a way that you either don't get it or get it completely as though it was written just for you.

Although the whole song is ripe with lines that strike the rusty chords of a loveless heart, perhaps the best line is from the chorus itself:

Nakalimutan ko na bang magmahal?

Join the Club has a track record for their songs dealing with the lives of broken hearted people—their band, after all, is a homage to the bitter. But this particular line has haunted me for quite a bit, because I have asked myself the same question for quite some time now.

***

Many of my friends who have not seen me for quite some time often begin our accidental conversations with the question:

"O, may jowa kaba ngayon?."

But for most of my close friends, this question almost never pops. I guess they know that I'm the type of guy who thinks boyfriends are like cellular phones—you don't have to get a new one every month. Indeed it has been quite some time since I last had to answer that question. I'm sure they know that if I had one, I'll be proud to tell them all.

Don't think of me as someone who's afraid to get into a relationship, or someone who doesn't have crushes or never fancies anyone; I have had more crushes than the number of contacts in my phone book. And the list grows almost every month. And I'm sure that if someone I like asks me to be his boyfriend, I'd be on the next train out of Singlestown.

But though I can say that I know how to fancy, I cannot say for certain if I still know how to love.

***

Whenever I go and meet my friends, I try to stay with them as much as I can. It's not always because I love wasting my time but because I don't want to go home.

Because location has always been a problem for me. The places I tend to visit the most are the places which tend to be miles away from where I live. When I was still studying at UST, it would take me an hour to get there every morning and another hour to get home at night.

I always get that nasty feeling whenever I wave goodbye to my friends, because I know that in a few minutes time, I will be boarding my ride home, alone and lonely.

Two full hours (sometimes even more) of being alone.

***

They say that you can't forget being human—because that's who you are. I won't be wrong to say that you can't forget hunger or thirst or pain.

But when you've been alone for almost all your life, is it not possible to forget how to love?

***

Do you know that feeling you get when your riding a PUV alone and a bunch of people ride the same vehicle and they talk for hours on end about all things they could think of and when they say something funny, you're left all alone to fend off the laughter in you? It seems that it's rude to laugh at jokes which are not directed towards you.

How about that feeling you have when you suddenly remembered something and you want to share it with someone else but unfortunately, you have no one to talk to, aside from the other people around you who you barely know?

How about when you go to bed at night, feeling so sad, wanting nothing else but to share the bed with another human being, only to find that you are still alone and that the only thing that will touch you is the cold wind from your fan?

And how about you not needing to remember those things, because you never forgot them in the first place since this is how each and every moment of your life feels?

It sucks to be lonely.

***

I love the concept of the word "forget." At it's purest, it is a verb, an action word. But aside from that basic definition, it has semantical implications that are very interesting.

Unlike many other verbs, "forget" can be intentional or unintentional—meaning you can do it on your own free will or do it without your knowledge. There are two sides to this word. Two very different sides.

***

Yes, to answer Dekada's question. Yes, I have forgotten how to love. I have forgotten how it feels like to care for someone so much that you can't sleep or you can't eat or you can't even think properly. I have forgotten how it feels like knowing that you'll have someone who cares for you so much. I have forgotten the feeling of sleeping with someone you love so much at night and waking up to see him still there, still with you, still loving you.

And now I remember how it feels like to be so alone.

***

The English forms of the two concepts of "forgetting" are the same, primarily due to the highly uninflected grammar of the language. But if we switch to the Tagalog forms, it becomes clearer.

The Tagalog root word is "limot." There are two verb forms in the present tense: "kinalimutan" and "nakalimutan." The first signifies forgetting willfully, out of your own free will. You forget because you want to, because you need to.

But the second is an unconscious act: one which you didn't do on purpose, one without consent. It's not your decision to forget. It was due to circumstances, it was accidental, it was unwanted. It was Fate that decided.

I find it interesting that the line that strikes me most from the Dekada doesn't use the first, intentional form but takes the second one:

Nakalimutan ko na bang magmahal?

Why is it interesting? Because the song is given a whole new depth. The lyrics resonate a new message: with this unconscious act of forgetting, there is that possibility of reversing the action.

With every instance of "nakalimutan" comes the hope of redemption:

Maalala

***

If I fall, will someone catch me? If I cry, will someone dry my tears? If I'm sad, will someone cheer me up? If I'm cold, will someone be there to warm me with in arms? If I wake up, will someone be there by my side?

If I finally decide that it's time, will someone be there to help me remember how to love?

***

This is one of my longest posts and certainly one of the most "emo." I won't be apologetic about the length—I have so many things to say and I need many words to express them.

You can infer that from the subject, the tone and the length of this post, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and you're right. I guess that's all I can do while I'm all alone.

In the end, I'd like to post another question to myself, now that the former question that Dekada has posited upon me has been answered:

Maalala ko pa kayang magmahal?

The Need

A few months ago, the BBitch and I were sitting at Rosarito, talking about stuff. Inevitably, our conversation headed towards the topic of boys—wait, I meant to say, a boy. And after clearing out the basic terms and definitions we were using throughout the conversation, BB finally asked me, "What will I do?"

I said (in an academic tone I always use when trying to make a point):

You must make him feel different when he's with you. You must offer him that one thing, that single thing that only you could give. This single thing must be something that he'll want, something that he'll try to have. It must not be anything that can be lost or anything that anyone else could give. It must be that unique thing you bring to the table.

And when he finally realizes that this one thing, that only you could bring, is essential to him, then you have created the Need.

The Need. A very interesting concept...

***

When I talk about the Need, I'm not referring to Maslow's Hierarchy—but it is somewhat connected (I think..). In case you slept through your basic psychology class, the Hierarchy of Needs is a theory of personality created by Abraham Maslow that proposes that personal growth is achieved by fulfilling different needs—which range from the physical (food, water, air, etc.) to the more "spiritual" aspects (morality, creativity, etc.). And because I slept through the same discussion, I will refer you to the Wikipedia article, in case you still need some brushing up.

But as I said, this is not really about those needs. When Maslow defined the needs, he placed the need for Love and Belonging (which includes sexual intimacy) right in the middle. But this was a generalization—one that says that humans need to feel a sense of belonging.

The Need that I speak about here is not the simple need for love, but rather that special driving force that binds us to another person. The Need is the reason why you can't sleep at night, why you can't eat breakfast, lunch or dinner and why you can't talk about that special someone without loosing your breath every two minutes.

Think about it. There are literally billions of people sharing the same planet with you, and more than half of them aren't as bad-looking as you think. It is not impossible for you to be attracted to an eight of the whole population of earth.

But somehow, there's that one special person who you will care for the most. The one who will make you forget all others. The one who will make you think that the sun and the moon revolves only around the two of you, and that everyone else is a gate crasher on your perfect date on earth.

Why that one person? There are billions of others, but you chose that one instead of the other billion. Why?

"Love! It's Love I tell you!" I can hear people shouting now. But I'm pedantic, and the concept of "love" is too vague. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the Need.

Yes, the Need. I believe that then real driving force of love is not a metaphysical or even spiritual force. The real battery that makes love go round is the Need, and nothing but.

As Leann Rhymes sung:

I need you like water, like breathe, like rain.
I need you like mercy from heaven's gate..

You might think of me as too unromantic, having the guts to exchange that highly valued concept of love for a rather simplistic and crude view that we are all just driven by a need.

Yes, you can whine your romantic ass all you want. But think about it hard—so hard that you almost feel your brains explode.

Why do you like someone? Why he (or, ehem, she) of all people? Don't give me that "you-don't-need-to-give-reasons-on-why-you're-loving-somebody" shit, because no one really cares for that anymore.

If you examine your feelings to the point of actually getting zen-like enlightenment, then you'll see that there are really reasons, logical explanations on why you're hooked and not just weird new-age theories.

At first you're going to give reasons that start with "I love him cause I like the way" or "I love him cause I love how" or even "I love him cause I love his".. You're still not getting it, because frankly, you're just trying to enumerate some of the things you like about him.

But when you get to the point that you'll say things like:

I love him cause I need to feel the way he messes up my hair when he thinks I'm corny.

or

I love him cause I need to see him smile every morning when I wake up beside him

or

I love him because I need to feel his touch, or else I know I am destined to be alone forever.

In that one blissful moment, you have finally discovered the Need.

***

But wait, aren't we forgetting something that Claudine Barretto said in Milan?:

Mahal mo ba ako dahil kailangan mo ako?
O kailangan mo ako dahil mahal mo ako?

If I was Piolo Pascual in that scene, I would have probably said something like this:

Boba, e'di pareho!

Isipin mo nga, pano kita mamahalin kung hindi kita kailangan? Kailangan ko munang maramdaman na isa ka sa mga bagay na hindi pwedeng mawala sa buhay ko. Kailangan ko munang madama na ikaw ang hangin at na hindi ko kayang huminga kung wala ka. Kailangan kong madama na ikaw ay tubig at na mauuhaw ko kapag bigla kang naglaho. Kailangan ko munang makita na ikaw ang ay pagkain na papawi sa gutom kong puso. At kapag alam ko na na kailangan talaga kita para mabuhay ako sa mundong ito, doon ko lamang malalaman na mahal kita.

At kapag mahal na kita dahil kailangan kita, alam kong kakailangin na kita—dahil ikaw ang mahal ko

As you can see, love will always be directly proportional to the Need. As the Need increases, so those love. It's not hard to reconcile the ideas.

So the next time you find yourself looking out the window, staring into the sky and imagine how it would feel like to finally touch his skin in the heat of passionate romance, think about the Need and what the friggin' hell you can do so you can get him to need you too.

I guess I've blabber too much, explained too little and place myself in a great position of being targetted by the fury of those who have erected the altars of cupid. But then again, please remember, it's early Friday morning and I haven't slept for two days..

And so, as I can now hear my bed calling me once more, I leave you know with this very romantic quote I heard a few days ago:

Para kang bubble-gum na kahit wala nang lasa,
hindi ko parin maitapon.

Hiated

For a moment, imagine yourself finally taking a deep breath after ten hours of continuous computer programming. You finally finished ninety-percent of the project you were struggling to complete before the year ended—which you couldn't because of the multitude of new DVDs you keep on buying every two days.

You opened Safari, which you believe is the best browser around (while not downplaying Firefox), and you navigated to your blog. Everything seems in order. The posts are still there, the cool theme you created still works fine, and look here! There's a new comment.

And then you notice something very weird. So look again. No, this is not induced by the ten cups of coffee you had within the hour, nor the funny video about Whitney that Misterhubs posted four days ago (which you were only able to read the night before). You shriek in horror.

Yes, you haven't updated your blog for almost two months.

In the swirling confusion that haunted the air in that moment, you quickly opened notepad. You stared at the blank white background and tried to think of something to write. But because of your NADD, you struggled first to come up with a nice title—something unique, something weird, something that comes in a single word. And finally, after 30 minutes of quiet conversation with yourself, you opted to name your post by turning the perfectly valid noun hiatus into a linguistically improper verb.

Welcome to my world.

***

Yes, I know that it seems as though my blog has been deserted. Contrary to what you might have heard, I didn't loose my typing hands during New Year's eve over a freak accident that involved three roman candles and some petroleum jelly. I have just been so busy over the past two months that I couldn't push myself to stop for a while and open my word-processor (Yes, I use notepad—it's cool) to create a new post.

I guess it'll be too late to create a year-ender post or a new year's post. So I'll just do what I normally do when I see a blank piece of paper—I'll write a list of posts I should have written over the past two months (which I didn't).

1. Rizal (Rizal at Blummentrit)
   Summary of Post: The Artistang Artlets play where I played the lead role. The most dramatic (in more ways that five) AA play ever and a whole lot of fun.
2. Barely Little Christmas (Christmas 2007)
   Summary of Post: Even though I didn't receive (nor give out) any gifts, even though I didn't join the AA Party, even though I didn't attend UST's Paskuhan, even though my most hated person in the world didn't send me his Christmas greeting, this is one of the best Christmas I ever had.. ^_^
3. Karaoke (Post-Christmas, Pre-New Year)
   Summary of Post: A very intimate description of the multitude of songs, vocal styles and artistic interpretations I learned from using the big, bulky, videoke machine my folks rented for two weeks.
4. And There (Year Ender)
   Summary of Post: My year ender which should have included a gist of my whole year and the list of my top ten most influential people of 2007. Bloody brilliant!
5. Bombshell (New Year's Post)
   Summary of Post: Details of how the hottest guy from our block almost turned to cinder—all because of me. (Hint: it involves a cigarette and a five-thousand-piece Judas's Belt).
6. And Here (Year Starter).
   Summary of Post: My year starter which includes a list of resolutions, wishes and goals. Bloody stupid.

So there, everything that you and I both missed. Hope you're happy. Don't worry, I have already prepared my 2008 Christmas, Year Ender and my 2009 New Year's and Year Starter posts so I won't miss anything this year.

And finally, I just wanna say that the Hiatus period is over. I'm done hiating (hiatusing just sounds wrong), so everyone:

Tadaima! I'm Back!

Armed

I boarded a bus at Robinson's Galleria. It was a Saturday, and I running out of money faster than you can say "peso." I sat down on an empty seat halfway to the end of the air-conditioned bus and I sighed heavily. The money I was expecting didn't come and all I wanted to do is sleep.

I was stirred a few minutes later and I felt the bus going towards the halt. The window to my right sported the view of the Star Mall. Shaw, I thought to myself. The bus doors opened and several people boarded the bus. And then, almost like a vision, I saw him.

He was 5'11, short messed-up hair, moreno and as hot as the burning sun outside. He was all dressed-up in a blue shirt that displayed the work of an unknown graphic designer and stone-washed jeans, perfectly showcasing the well defined legs underneath.

And after that vision of hotness that might have burned my eyes a little bit, I again fell back to sleep.

The bus stopped again. I turned to the large glass window on my right and saw the industrial design of the old car-park near the Ayala Station. Makati, I said silently in my brain. Still a few minutes before I hit home. I decided to snooze some more. But before I did, I turned to my left, which was now occupied by an unknown person.

There he was, to my surprise, seated right next to me. Amazement suddenly knocked me off my sleepy state, and I could now clearly see how hot this guy was. For a moment I wanted to borrow the sunglasses dangling from his shirt—the sight was just too much to behold. I'm was afraid that I may permanently be blinded. But I endured the sight of this almost surreal being of the heavens.

And after a few minutes of ogling, I again regained the ability to close my eyes. I slept once more.

But my dreams of buying the latest book on programming the universal serial bus was cut short. My mind suddenly became half awake, with my eyes still shut.

I felt something in my lower back, down the hip area—a firm yet gentle touch with a slight tingle of heat. In a split second, my mind processed the whole moment and I suddenly came to the conclusion that this hotness who sat beside me has just place his hand on my hips.

Oh fucking heavens! What in the world is happening? Is this guy trying to rob me? Hmm, it could be.. But then again, I'm dead broke, and his hands are too far away from that thin piece of leather that once upon a time held my cash. Maybe he's trying to mess with me. But why? My mind had numerous questions.

But in that fleeting moment, I felt as though someone cared for me. Someone liked me. Someone wanted me so badly that he'll risk being mistaken for a pick-pocket just so he could lay his warm, muscular arm around my waist. Honestly, I was in heaven.. for about 30 seconds.

He suddenly stirred, and I stirred too. He woke up, and I woke up. He realized where his hand was lying and quickly pulled it. I could swear I heard the angels suddenly gasp and cry. He looked at me with a gaze of shock, and I now realized that we were both fully awake.

"Oh my god!" he said, in a voice that reverberated through the whole bus. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to!"

"Uhm," I responded, not knowing what to say. "It's okay?.."

"I'm so sorry! I was dreaming!" he explained, his face now flushed red and reconfigured into a look of apology. "I really don't mean it! I really didn't know!"

"It's okay," I said, repeating myself like I always do--but with a tender tone and a seducing smile.

"I was dreaming that I was still at home. Akala ko you were my girlfriend."

There it was, the answer that I was searching for a minute back. It hit me on the face like a triple-coated, industrial-grade, teflon pan. I was dumbfounded, flabbergasted, and that other weirdly spelled adjective that could mean "shocked, confused, weirded-out and disappointed" at the same time.

He stood up, still apologizing and looked for a seat in the front of the bus. I sat there, still trying to figure out what just happened. From afar I can hear his voice, now directed to his girlfriend who was on the other side of his cellular phone. He was relating what happened.

I just sat there silently. I had no one to call, no one to text. I couldn't share the moment, the shock, the confusion and the all-too-sudden depression I felt.. and I found it impossible to just close my eyes.

Within a minute, I found myself standing up, walking towards the exit of the bus. He rushed off before me, trying not to bump into me again, and could no longer find him among the multitude of people outside the bus.

I smiled. I could only imagine what could have happened if I was right: if he was really trying to touch me, if he really wanted me. But alas. I left the bus, alone once again, with no one to touch my back.

And as I walked home, I remembered that depressing fact that I still didn't have any money in my pocket.

Ten Things

Here's a list of ten things about me I probably haven't told you before.

1. When I was young, I believed that my sole destiny was to become a priest. I would often lead prayers during family gatherings and I was the "most religious" kid on the block. And although I no longer subscribe to the Catholic faith, I still dream, every once in a while, of performing mass and giving an ass-kicking sermon.
2. I'm a DB Alumnus and I'm the only one from my campus who can claim that I did it with a batchmate inside the Assistant Principal for Student Affairs Office. Yup, I'm that adventurous. It was class hours and the Assistant Principal was making rounds while the Student Council Treasurer, another Batchmate and I were in the office. My other batchmate got horny--and apparently, horniness is very contagious. So we did it there, with the SC Treasurer (who is a close friend) on the lookout. Thank god my friend had clear eyesight. We finished our, uhm, "student affairs" just before the Assistant Principal finished his rounds.
3. Currently, I have around two-hundred books in my collection, of which only twelve are fiction. I have 43 books on graphic design and the arts, 16 books on programming, 30 books on different sciences, 19 books on linguistics, 20 general reference books and 61 books on religious studies. (Not to mention around two-thousand plus Digital Books.) Total estimated price of all printed books is around a quarter of a million pesos. And yes, I have read less than half of them. ^_^
4. I suffer from N.A.D.D. or Nerd Attention Deficiency Disorder. As there is no known medication for this illness, it seems that I'm doomed to live with it.
5. I was once banned from Timezone Glorietta after I got into a fight with another gamer there. I probably would have kicked his ass, had he not invoked the help of six other men. (Hello? A gang of three gay men against seven "rappa-gansta" dudes? If only it was in bed.)
6. I was voted-off once from my High School course session. While the teacher was blabbering away about connecting to a database with an ActiveX control, I was busy speaking with my seat-mate regarding the cute guy a year ahead of me that I was eying during lunch. The next thing I know, my teacher was asking my classmates, "Who would like your talkative classmate [refering to me] to leave the room?" Apparently half of the class raised their hands. I stood up, walked to the door. And before I left the room, I turned around, faced my classmates and said, "Okay lang, because I already know what he's talking about. I'm sure I will pass this course.. Are you as confident as I am?" I left the room and I slammed the door.
7. I don't have a sense of time and a sense of dates. I could wake up on a Wednesday at around 2pm and think that it's 10am on a Monday. Thus, I'm a big loser when it comes to time management, and that's my biggest weakness.
8. I have a knack for forgetting the important stuff and remembering the trivial ones. For instance, don't expect me to remember your birthday or your phone number. But I can tell you the first text message you've ever sent me and the every small detail of the funny story you told me the other day.
9. I get all giggly and girlish every time I watch a cheesy romantic comedy. You'll see me laugh, cringe and cry. And speaking of movies, the last Harry Potter flick is the sole reason why I will never-ever return to Trinoma again.
10. I am addicted to typography, typefaces and fonts. Don't ever ask me what my favorite font is, unless you want a two-hour lecture on the history of fonts and why I despise certain typefaces. I once became so afraid of this addiction when I correctly pointed out which paragraph was set in Times New Roman from a text rendered in twenty similar fonts. And weirdly enough, a beautiful sans-serif font can put me in an orgasmic state.

It Could Have Been Me

I guess you've all heard about the Glorietta Blast. Let me just say one thing: I am so grateful that by some force of heaven, things didn't go the other way.

Let me explain for a second. I am a Glorietta Person. Ever since I could remember, I have always thought of Makati—and Glorietta in particular—as my sanctuary. You'll often find me lurking around the shops at Glorietta, looking at books or buying clothes. This mall is like my third home.

The blast happened at Glorietta 2 at Luk Yuen. Near this resto is a branch of Starbucks where I usually buy a cup of coffee before going home. A few steps further are branches of CD-R King and Booksale, two other stores were I frequently hangout to buy stuff from.

Thinking about it, it could have been me. I could have been one of over seventy people injured in the blast. Or worst, I could be one of the unfortunate few who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I could have been just a few meters from the blast. I could have been ordering a cafe americano. I could have been buying DVDs or thumb-drives. I could have been browsing through books. I could be lying in a hospital right now. Or the scariest thought of them all, I could have been a lump of meating flying all over the curb.

But I'm not.

It's really an eye-opener when something like this happens. Had my theater org's event fallen on another day, or had I been hard-headed and decided that I will not catch-up when they left me (because I was late), or had I been impulsive enough to go to Glorietta today, you might not be reading this post.

But you are.

It's weird when I think about all the possible things that could have happened. It really makes me wonder how great the circumstances were that place me away from the things could have happened.

You might think of me as too cliched, but I really believed that the Higher Powers are still keeping me here because they have a plan. As John's mom reminded me, this is the second time that I dodged a Makati incident--it was also luck that kept me away from the blast that happened on a bus under the Ayala MRT station a few years ago (I get my ride home from there). I feel so lucky that some possibilities turned out to be impossible and that I am still here, still alive, still kicking.

Glorietta is closed for now, and will remain closed to the public until all things have been sorted out. In my estimate, it'll take more than a few weeks to clean out the mess and to finish the investigation. The long time it'll take for them to rebuild and resecure the place will be the amount of time I have to wait for until my sanctuary becomes a safe place once more.

Until then, I guess I'll just have to live my life to the fullest. Because even if it could have been me, it turned out that wasn't me--and that's all that really matters.

Blind Items? Nope, Blind Messages..

Are you in for a game of Blind Items?.. Twenty things about twenty people. Think you're included in the list?.. Hahaha, don't be so sure.. ^_^

Okay, so I got this thing for Nikki and I loved the concept. Basically, it's a Blind Item "game".. Here are the rules:

1. Write something about 20 different people.
2. You cannot say who they are.
3. If someone asks which one is about them, don't tell.

Simple enough right?..

Unfortunately, I didn't want it just like that. So I modified the idea. Instead of writing about people, I'm writing to people. Get it? Each item is a message I so badly want to tell the person, I just don't have the guts to tell it directly, so let's just put it inside a "blind message"..

The "names" are not the real names. They're clues actually (tip: use your handy japanese dictionary ^_^). Anyway, here it goes:

1. Kikai. Well, I've known you for quite sometime now, and to tell you the truth, I don't know how we met. Haha, yeah, it's funny I know.. Well, I think you're gay, and I have valid reasons to prove that. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. You're not, ei? Yeah, that's a good argument, but not everyone could believe that.. But I still believe that you're gay.. you should be.. Because I'm really digging you.. Let's date..
2. Fukuro. You know what, I really think you're improving. Before I thought, "What the hell?", but now, looking at all the things you've done, I'm surprised at how you improved with your work. Although at times I snicker at your projects, it's just my way of showing you that I think you can do so much better. And oh, I'm sorry about that thingy.. Didn't know it won't work fine. Anyway, I look forward to working with you in the future.
3. Genmai. Yeah, I really treat you like shit sometime right? I'm so sorry. I'm too bossy, I know. But know that I consider you a very close friend. No, not a bestfriend (that's over the top). A very close friend. Let's just let the good times roll and don't hold back if you think I'm becoming a Man-Bitch. Slap me in the face! Shout at me! At least you'll feel much better.
4. Kyuukon. You son of a bitch! Don't think that I've forgotten everything! I really don't know what happened!! It's as if you suddenly turned your back on me. Yes, I know we didn't make a pact! But still, you should have given me the chance to do what I've always wanted to do. How many words does it have to take for you to know that everyone is secretly loathing you? It's not because you're a total dipstick.. No, I know you're better than that.. But please, don't be like that. You're just bringing everyone loads of nega-vibes! P.S: I still consider you as my friend.. Hahaha
5. Kissaten. Ooh, I'm so glad we sorted it all out. I thought it would end then and there. Anyway, I'm happy that we're back. And just lean on me if you want too.. Okay, not too close.. Yeah that's fine.
6. Takai. I must admit, sometimes you go all crazy.. I don't like that.. No one likes that.. And why are you being self-centered sometimes? That's not good.. Okay, there you go again, turning the whole conversation about you.. Stop it! Please! You need to be more open if you want to get what you want.
7. Hikui. Okay, so I loathed you back then.. Why? Cause you're crazy, moody and weird. But now, I kinda like you. I kinda think you're cool. Yeah, try to keep it up, okay? Don't worry, I'll defend you.
8. Onna. I have loved you since the day I knew you. I have longed for you since the day I talked to you. Yes, I know it all started with a joke, but looking back, now I know that you are the one person that could really fill me. I'm sad because we will never have the chance to be together. No, I won't. No, you should. What? Yeah, I guess so. But it's better this way. I won't let you wait. We just can't change. Sorry... You'll be happier, trust me.
9. Fushubi.Oh dude! I'm so happy for you. Have I told you that I had a huge crush on you before? You're the only reason I log on to a computer. Anyway, good luck with everything. Just ping me, I'll answer. Be safe okay?.. And oh, let me have a go on him once.. Hahaha
10. Ixero-Yakke. I really, really, really wish that someday, somehow, I would find another person just like you who will love me as much as I loved you. Yeah, I know that. No, I won't try at all and I'm not expecting. But let's stay good friends, okay?.. And just in case you want to explore the other side of the coin, you know my number.. I'm free on Saturday nights.
11. Tatsutahime. I respect you so much. I owe you so much. I miss you so much.
12. Kosshi. Don't let them get to you. Trust me, you're way better than they are. Hope to spend more time with you in the future.
13. Kun. Why? Am I ugly? Am I fat? (Hell no!) Am I too short? Why? Why can't you just try and look behind you? I just thought that this was really it...
14. Kiguoshougou. You're so cool! I'm so happy that I've stumbled upon that website. Yeah, you're funny too. I like emo boys.. Hahaha.. We're miles apart, but I'm beginning to fancy you. Ooops! Sorry.. I kinda think you're not straight.. Hahaha.. Let's meet when I go there.. and I do hope that's soon. And oh, thanks for that.
15. Aisoku. Ugh! I so hate you right now! Why? Because you said that you would do everything! Okay, I know, I know. But still!.. Hmm.. Now I hate you even more.. Stop smiling! I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist it when you smile. Yeah, I know--you told me a million times. But is there any hope? Well, I though so too. I really like you, that's why I did what I had to do. And OMG! I'm not your free pass. I think you're cute, but you won't get away with that so easily.
16. Kyoku. Sometimes, I just wished that I had feelings for you, so you didn't have to go away. Huh? Oh yeah, I ate already. Pardon? What am I wearing?!
17. Byoukin. If you could love me for what I am, I'd download you to my heart right away--no virus check, no firewall.. I'm sure you're clean of spyware.
18. Sensei. I so wish you and your hubby will breakup. Because if you do split up, I guess I'll be more than willing to go out with you. Oh really? Okay then, let's stay friends.. PS: Stop texting her.. I feel so jealous.. Hahaha..
19. Kyuu-douyou. Yeah, we can add the nipples.. Please free up your schedule. I so badly need to screw you.
20. Dono. You're my inspiration. Believe it or not, it's your blog that I visit every time I surf. You're on my RSS reader, you're on my bookmarks. It seems that I can't stop reading your blog. There's this one post that makes me all tingly.. Yeah, I'm not on your Blogroll.. Damn it.. How many comments should I post?.. What? Okay then, I'll start thinking of funny and crazy comments.. And now, about that link..

That's it folks! So, do you know which one is about you? Clueless ei? This will make it easier:

• Three of them are girls, seventeen are guys.
• Eight are straight, ten are gay and I suspect two of them to be gay..
• Fourteen are people who I always bump into (from AA and from other communities) and six of them are purely online contacts..

Haha, so it is clearer?.. If you think it's you up there in the list, post a comment or ring me up.. Who knows, I might just tell.. or maybe not.. ^_^

Avanza Paranoia

Lately, napansin ko na parang sinusundan ako ng mga electric-royal-blue na Toyota Avanza. Yup, I know it's weird (even paranoid), pero I have a weird feeling talaga.

Nagsimula ang lahat last monday, when I went to my client to present my studies. Nung nasa expressway na ako, nakakita ako ng isang avanza, similar to this picture:

Well, I said to myself, "Shit, what an ugly car!" Kasi totoo naman, it really doesn't look good and the color sucks bigtime. Yeah, I confess na gusto ko dati yung color na ito in car I buy a car.. pero after seeing that avanza talaga, I swore I could have cursed cars for good.

So ayun nga. Later, paglabas ko ng office ng client ko sa Kalayaan Ave., biglang may humarurot na isa namang Avanza: same color, same design, same build, pero not the same car.. Hmm, I thought.. Siguro coincidence..

Pero naloka talaga ako, kasi when I rode a taxi to UST, nakakita na naman ako ng same avanza sa Q.Ave. Nako, akala ko nga eh same car from Kalayaan, pero turns out, iba pala kasi may sticker siya ng DLSU sa likod.. Pero hindi pa dyan nagtatapos ang lahat..

Up to yesterday, palagi akong nakakakita ng ganong klaseng Avanza. As in everyday talaga! Pati nga mga members ng Tuesday Group alam yung tungkol dun eh..

So what's up ba with those blue Avanzas? Nagsale ba ang Toyota ng ganong color? Or maybe, namimigay ang Pepsi nang ganong mga model... Hmm, pwede.. Pepsi-colored naman kasi sila..

Actually, I know for a fact na yung kulay na iyon ay hindi mass-marketed.. My tito works for Toyota kasi and he tells me that that color is, in fact, custom-mixed--meaning you have to ask for your car to be painted in that color.

Weird.. Feeling ko tuloy eh I'm being followed by a fleet of Avanza-driving guys.. Hahaha.. Sana nga.. Malay natin, baka isa pala sa mga Avanzang iyon ay naglalaman ng Vollkommensch na matagal ko nang hinahanap.. Hehehe..

die Vollkommensch

• Computer Programmer, Web Designer, Graphic Designer or knows these stuff.
• Walks fast.
• Good speaker but knows when to listen.
• Knows how to make good coffee.
• Knows how to cook good food or knows how to eat good food.
• Good singer or great dancer.
• Speaks with the eyes.
• Speaks more than three languages.
• Replies as soon as possible.
• Calls just so I don't worry.
• Asks about my day.
• Can speak about his own day.
• Doesn't mind me rummaging through stuff.
• Doesn't mind me going alone.
• Knows the basic bed-stuff.
• Wouldn't mind changing positions.
• Doesn't open his eyes when we kiss.
• Keeps me involved.
• Gets along with my friends.
• Helps me get along with his friends.
• Wouldn't leave me for a video game.
• Wants to be my best friend.
• First to offer me a hanky.
• Knows his goals.
• Plans well, but knows when to break plans.
• Spontaneous.
• Keeps me surprised.
• Has me on Number 2 speed dial.
• Can spell my last name the first time he tries.
• Owns a pair of comfortable walking shoes.
• Doesn't mind me doing things alone.
• Doesn't mind doing things alone.
• Knows how to argue well.
• Tilts my head on his shoulder on long trips.
• Can blabber about current topics.
• Philosophically inclined.
• Puts family first.
• Knows his way.
• Can style my hair.
• Isn't afraid to try new stuff.
• Can teach me new stuff.
• Can bear AMs.
• Great to wake-up with in the morning.
• Can dance in the rain.
• Writes my name on the emergency list.
• Swims.
• Has a fireman tendency.
• Doesn't need reminding.
• Doesn't hold back.
• Can push me.
• Can lift me.
• Can carry me.
• Can tell me to work my ass!
• Celebrates the small stuff.
• Secretly reads my blog.
• Helps me improve.
• Wants me to help him improve.
• Knows the time.
• Killer smile.
• Knows what I like.
• Lets me know what he likes.
• Wouldn't want a Mit einer Bettgeschichte.
• Giggles when he hears "Ich bin verrückt nach Dir" and returns the compliment.
• Can say "Mahal Kita" instead of "I Love You."

Ai! Ich drücke die Vollkommensch dieDaumen.

Eulogia Para Sa Isang Kaibigan

Matagal na panahon narin simula nung tayo'y unang nagkita. Masaya ako noon at kagagaling lamang sa isang paglalakbay. Nasa isang sulok ka naman ng Asturias, naghihintay ng pupulot sayo mula sa duming iyong kinaluluklukan.

Hindi ko mapaliwanag kung paano kita natagpuan. Siguro, langit narin ang nagtakda nang ating pagkikita. Naroon ako nung mga oras na kailangan mo nang tutugon sa iyo, at hanggang ngayon, nagpapasalamat ako na ako ang taong pinili mo.

Wala akong alam sa pinanggalingan mo, o sa mga bagay-bagay na nagtulak sa iyo para layuan siya. Alam kong minahal mo siya, at nakaukit iyon sa iyong kalooban. Nakita ko ang mga larawang iyong itinago, kasama narin ang mga sulat at mga pahayag. Ngunit hindi mo ako hinayaang makilala siya o malaman ang kanyang pangalan. Hindi mo rin ako binigyan ng pagkakataong makilala ka ng lubusan. Siguro, iyon talaga ang iyong nais. Kung ikaw man ang iniwan o kung ikaw ang nang-iwan, hindi ko na iyon malalaman..

Sa loob ng mahigit isang taon nating pagsasama, marami narin ang nangyari. Marami ang mga tulad mo na dumaan sa aking buhay. Ngunit lahat sila ay bigla nalang nawala, umalis o di kaya'y sapilitang kinuha mula sa aking piling. Ngunit naging matatag tayong dalawa. Ikaw ang palaging tumutugon sa aking pangangailangan, ang palaging tumutulong sa aking paghihirap.

Marami tayong tinago mula sa mundo. Marami tayong mga nilipat mula sa iba't-ibang lugar. Nakarating na tayo sa maraming mga siyudad, bayan at lipunan.

Ngayong lumisan ka na nang tuluyan mula sa aking piling, isang butas ang iniwan mo sa aking puso. Ang dating kaibigang palagi kong kasama at katuwang, ngayo'y wala na. Ako'y nagluluksa at nagdadalamhati sa iyong pag-alis sa mundong ibabaw. Ayong lumuluha sa iyong pagkawala.

Wala na ang tingkad mo sa aking mga mata. Wala na ang iyong mga tinagong mga alaala.

Alam ko na hindi dito natatapos ang lahat. Alam kong kailangang kong patuloy na gumalaw. Masakit sa akin ang pangyayaring ito, ngunit alam kong masaya ka na sa iyong pagpapahinga. Wag kang mag-alala, malalagpasan ko rin ito. Sana'y makahanap rin ako ng papalit sa iyo sa aking puso.

Iisa lang ang tunay kong hinagpis: sana ay nalaman ko nang mas maaga na mawawala ka. Sana ay mas inalagaan kitang mabuti. Sana ay nailipat ko ang mga alaalang iyong dala.

Nawa'y mahimlay ka nang mapayapa.

Hindi kita kakalimutan.

Para kay Asturksy (2006-2007), ang mahal kong Flash Drive.

Balitaktak Mo, O Balitaktakbo?

A Balita-Roundup of the Latest Happenings in My World..

Syempre, medyo matagal narin since I told everyone my stories. I'm lucky kasi may mga tao akong palaging kasama, so alam nila mga pangyayari sa buhay ko. Pero there are a lot of you na hindi ko na masyadong nakwekwentuhan, so here's a balita roundup.

The Workaholic Syndrome

For the first time in my life, I have become a little workaholic. Yup, madami talaga akong trabaho ngaun, and I'm loving it. I'm doing what I love the most and I'm getting paid for it, which makes it the best job!

Syempre, I miss school life, I can't deny that. I miss the AB Uniform, I miss the lectures and the assignments. Pero before you actually think na I'm regretting my decission to skip this sem, let me clear it out again: I love what I'm doing right now and I don't regret my choice. Yeah, I miss school things, pero my job keeps me happy naman eh.

At oo nga pala, I kinda decided na rin to give up the whole "graphic and web designer" thing and focus solely on being an web application developer. Nakita ko kasi from the trends from my past projects na halos wala akong nakukuhang solid graphic design jobs and puro web applications talaga. And I can say naman that web applications are really my strength. So giveup na muna ako sa print design jobs.

As for financial, no worries pa naman at the moment. Hindi na ako masyadong namumulubi, and I have savings na rin naman. So all's well sa career ko.. :)

New Phone

After almost six years, nagpalit na ako ng phone. Nothing fancy, just a sleek Sony Ericsson Z530i. Maganda naman ang features and I love the cool black matte finish nung cover.

I bought it on July 7, 2007 (777, yeah, lucky phone.. hahaha) with the help of Marianne and Tekla. Wow, amazed pala ako sa bargaining skills nitong si Tek.. Babaeng baratillo pala ito.

You'll find the basic features naman: media player, java, sms and mms, email, wap, etc. May camera din sya, na akala ko e pangit ang pictures, pero maganda naman pala. Maliit lang yung LCD kaya hindi mo makikita yung real quality. Pero once transferred sa PC, it looks good naman.

The thing I like most about this phone is the fact I can sync it with my PC. Since I'm always trying to schedule appointments with my clients, it's a good thing na syncronized ang phone at PC ko because I always work with both.

Pero I hate the fact that mahina yung message alert tone, kahit na super lakas na nung ringing volume. I did some research and found out na sakit pala talaga yun ng mga Sony Ericsson phones. Anyway, I can live with that naman, since I put my phone in silent mode almost every time.

And for those who are wondering, I didn't change numbers. It's still 0916677****.

Lovelife.. Or Should I Say, Lovedeath?

When it comes to my lovelife, bano parin ako.. Hahaha, no change at all. Ayun, ganon parin: still single and quirky.

Let's have a quick rundown of my most recent love-related kyemes. For the sake of being polite, hindi ako maglalagay ng pangalan--code songs nalang. At hindi rin pala ako magsusulat about the more well-publicised ones.. Sorry, for close people only..

1. "How can something so wrong, feel so right all along? Catch me, I'm falling for you." Hahaha. Kilala nyo namang lahat ito eh. Well, I can safely say na tapos na ang sagang ito ng buhay ko. From Tinoco Park and the UST Grandstand, to Plaza Calderon at the Big Dome, nasubaybayan nyo ang kwento ko at ni Ascat. Fortunately, okay naman na ang lahat. Somehow, I learned my lesson: you can try and break a straight stick, but it will never really bend. Pero it's really all good. We're still friends and we bump into each other every once in a while. At naprove ko rin na mali pala ako; he still remembers my name.. Hahaha.. Pero yun, goodluck nalang sa mahabang list ng mga bilat na nagkukumahog magpost ng comments sa profile nya!
2. "And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful and it kills him inside." Nako, masyadong madugo ang isang ito. After the weird Ortigas incident, naging mas close kami ng taong ito: to the point na malapit nang maging kami. And although nakakatuwa naman siya, I really can't have a relationship sa menchung ito. Pano naman, hindi maalis sa isip ko na kung kaya nyang gawin iyong ginawa nya sa iba, how could it be any different with me, diba? So kahit na palagi niyang sinasabi na gusto talaga niya ako, at kahit pa muntik na akong mahulog sa mga kamay niya, no parin ang ending. Hindi ako mang-aagaw.. nangyari nalang bigla. Pero okay lang naman yung, I'll just groove to the Maroon 5 cd na gift niya sakin. Besides, very good friends pa naman kami ni Lo..
3. "Just turn around now, cause you're not welcomed any more!" Eto ang nakakatawa. I met this person na DL. Nagchat kami tapos binigay nya number nya. Tinext ko tapos hindi nagreply. I sent a message pero no avail parin. So I thought it was a lost cause. Pero nagulat nalang ako nang nagtext siya a few weeks later. Nung una sinabon ko, pero mabait naman pala. We still text, even if he's quite committed. Pero alam ko namang hindi ko siya talaga type: masyadong busy-busyhan.. So ayun, si Nuggets nalang siguro ang katapat niya..
4. "I thought you we're my fairy tale, a dream when I'm not sleeping." Well, this is the saddest talaga. Nameet ko rin siya sa DL. Tapos we hit perfectly nung una. Pareho kami ng interest, we make each other laugh at talagang nakakatuwa siya. Pero ewan, talagang hindi yata ako meant for UP people na mahilig maglaro ng Tekken. Siya yung kasama kong nanuod ng Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix sa Trinoma (sidenote: Trinoma sucks! Isang malaking MRT station!) at nakita pa nga namin ang isang AA Apprentice (si Tatay Keith). Well, akala ko may next day date pa sa UP, pero turns out wala na pala. Ewan ko talaga. I really thought I was right for the first time, hindi pala. Not when you see the words "I want us to be friends" flashing sa iyong YM screen. Hay.. I must admit na umiyak talaga ako ng todo. The truth is, masakit talaga para sakin kasi I was really, really expecting. It was so painful na wala na akong maramdaman. Sayang, yon lang naisip ko. Pero hindi pala ganon ang naramdaman niya. Siguro I really need to stop watching for signs: hindi lahat ng nakakatuwa, cuddly at touchy people ay may pinapahiwatig. Sometimes, it's just that plain. Anyway, okay naman na ngayon. Come to think of it, it's not really a loss. Mas masakit para sakin ang fact na hindi ako pwedeng kumain ng cheese flavoured popcorn sa sinehan. Nako, mabuti pa ay maghubad nalang tayong lahat at sumayaw ng Happy Happy Joy Joy..

As you can see, bigo parin talaga ako sa pag-ibig. Pero hindi naman ako totally sad. Masaya parin naman kahit walang jowa or walang kasama. Ilang taon narin naman akong single (pero hindi tigang.. :D) and I don't think there's any rush.

And by the way, thank you nga pala kay Jmaricon para sa kanyang inspiring words the night before I went out with number 4.

May Buddy Ako!

Sa AA naman (which stands for Artistang Artlets), masaya rin naman ako this year. Masayang-masaya dahil may buddy ako! Yehey!

Halos four years narin ako sa AA at medyo reluctant din ako sa buddies this year. Nung first year ko kasi, may buddy ako, si Kuya Gean del Mundo. Pero hindi kami masyadong naging close, kasi girls daw palagi buddies nya. Anyway, napasa niya yata sakin yung curse nya kasi hindi na ako nagkaroon ng buddy after niya. Nung second year, ang buddy ko ay si Nina, na nagquit from AA at ngayon ay Artistic Director na ng Teatro Tomasino. Last year naman, ang buddy ko ay si Lizelle, na nagquit din at hindi ko na nakita ever since.

Kaya this year, reluctant talaga ako sa mga buddy-buddy. Feeling ko kasi eh baka madisappoint lang uli ako. Pero dahil Senior ako, pwede na akong pumuli ng buddy. Kaya I took the chance nalang...

Dalawa yung buddies ko. Yung una, si Ysabel, ay under sa aspect ko: techical directing. Well, at first na natuwa naman ako sa kanya, kasi bibo siya nung auditions. Unfortunately, nag-quit ang lulu. Well, sorry nalang sa kanya.

My second buddy is Nikko, who is also from (surprise!) TD. Nako, mahal ko talaga itong buddy kong ito. He's funny at gigglish, kaya natutuwa ako sa kanya. Sana eh magstay siya at maging maayos ang acads nya. Panawagan pala sa parents ng buddy ko: Ah, mam, sir, sana po eh maintindihan niyo naman si Nikko. Magaling naman yang batang iyan eh.. and he promised to do good with his studies. Sana po eh payagan niyo siyang magcontinue sa AA.. :)

(Sidenote: TD stands for Technical Direction, not Technical Design. You can design lighting schemes, you can design musical scores, you can design sets and other PD things. But you can never design technicals. You direct technicals. Wag sana po tayong maconfuse.)

Oo nga pala, umamin ako agad sa buddy ko. Yeah, I know, loser move. Pero I had to kasi; sabi kasi niya magquiquit na raw siya and I don't want to lose another buddy na hindi niya ako kilala. Gusto ko pa sanang maging anonymous for another month or so, pero okay na rin..

And another thing: Buddy, mag-globe ka na ha?.. Hehehe

Outta Time!

Well, yan lang naman ang recent happenings ngayon. I'll keep everyone posted kung may mga bagong balita. Toodles!

Por Que?

Te quiero verdad, pero no se si me quieres tambien.

Eres un dios, soy un hombre regular.

Me pregunta unica es, Puedes querer alguien quien no es tan caliente como te?

Porque quiero un japones raro, no lo se de verdad..

Revelation 1.0

I guess you all know it by now.

School year 2007-2008 has come. The year I was set to graduate. The year when I march towards the end of my academic life. Unfortunately, some things are always unexpected.

No, I won't be graduating this year. Yes, I will have to endure another year. No, I didn't get debarred. Yes, I will continue my studies. No, I won't be going to school this semester. Yes, I feel so screwed.

Allow me to plunge myself in the illusion that you want to know how all of these things happened...

Milk, Basketball and the Storm

This whole thing started when I decided that I was bored with school. First semester, A.Y 2006-2007: I was constantly late in all my classes; I often didn't attend the boring ones. And I was pre-occupied with the things I'd rather do.

One day, a huge project came to my lap. I was a big break for me and my design career: a contractor asked me to do a project for this multi-national brand involving an interactive CD for kids. I was thrilled. For the first time in my life, I had gotten a six-digit deal. I thought everything was going to be great.

But I failed everything. I had no sleep. I had little time for anything else. And most of all, my academics were suffering.

And that isn't all. I caught school-spirit fever. I watched every basketball game I could. I was in Araneta instead of somewhere else. I thought that I should be there--not anywhere else.

So when the storm came and blew away my entire life, I was left alone. I didn't know what to do. I was shocked. I was devastated. I was thrown to the deepest bowels of my sanity.

Most of you never knew, and will never know, how awful I felt during those days. I never told anyone; I never wanted pity. And I know you all hated me.

And so one thing led to the other, one failure brought forth the next. My academics slowly dwindled into nothingness. I knew that this would happen, I always had. But the truth is, I never told anyone.

Decisions

To most of you, my decision to not enroll for this semester seems to be too naive. Of course, I never expected everyone to understand my decisions.

Trust me, I have thought of this matter over and over, and the only logical answer I get, aside from the fleeting ideas of my suicide, is to take a breather. And this is exactly what this is. A time for me to breathe.

My decision to not to come to school this semester is not an escape from the problem of my academics. Although I now regard my choice of journalism as a huge lack of foresight, I am wise enough to know that I have invested so much. And I do not plan to waste this investment.

To be honest, I am not really into the my own plans of going back to UST next semester. But then again, things are always unexpected.

Lucky Number 20

I turned 20 today.

Last year, as you might recall, a few days before my birthday, I woke up panting and almost crying, sorry for that fact that I was turning 20. But I was wrong back then. I was just turning 19.

Today is different. I am not wrong, nor am I dreaming. I am really 20. No more "teen" in my age. I have officially entered the realm when I am no longer just another kid.

So here's to twenty years:

• To nightmares of flying monkeys, laughing and chasing me around my bed.
• To old Lego blocks and old trains, never ceasing and stopping to find the perfect fits and find right tracks.
• To old schools and old poems, old thoughts and old dreams.
• To first days of school and first moments of laughter.
• To coins possessed by spirits and papers imbued with scents.
• To berries and school-busses.
• To first communions and first commutes.
• To saws and hammers; to wood, lead and metal.
• To doubts of homosexuality and classes filled with anger.
• To the fortune in our palms.
• To old friends trapped inside books.
• To a boy who lived.
• To the bottom class, top-ones and summer classes.
• To unsuccessful cheating and successful theft.
• To storms that bond, breakfast at mcdonalds and parties filled with rum.
• To stolen dreams and awards, great systems and being a campus figure.
• To never ending morning prayers, liturgy comments and batch songs.
• To a boy who made me see Manila in a different light.
• To a boy who made me see myself in a different light.
• To failed relationships, successful cheating, and to Jojo and Hilary Duff.
• To UST.
• To the best classmates and to the second best.
• To the UST Coop.
• To block transfers, lonerism and trusted friends.
• To Plaza Calderon, to confessions to a boy and to another failed attempt.
• To storms that break, backstabbers and magazines.
• To teachers and professors, both good and unwanted.
• To a family that serves as my organization.
• To the Rizal Aud, Albertus Magnus and Colayco Park.
• To plays, productions, OPs, Christmas Parties and Farewells.
• To the Paskuhan.
• To all people I have met.
• To smokers and smoke, Marlboro lights and Cricket lighters and Yosi-Buddies.
• To Starbucks and Megamall.
• To basketball players, cheerleaders and bangers.
• To the lights of Malate and to the bars that never did any good.
• To the elusive thing called love.
• To more stolen dreams.
• To all my friends, who I love dearly.
• To my family, who I love most dearly.
• To Tinoco Park, jackets of yellow, loud drums, interviews, text-messages, older-brothers, dinner invitations, campaigns, elections, and to the only guy I have loved, I am loving and I will love like hell.
• To Shiela--all things given.
• To God.

Happy Birthday to me.

Shit

Somehow, I have the uncanny ability to turn the best moments of my life into shit.

Last night was supposed to be magical. For the first time, I was face-to-face with the person who I admired greatly and has kept me crazy for the longest time. But somehow, it wasn't as I wanted it to be. Instead of feeling the moment, feeling the passion, feeling the magic that was surrounding me, I was there sulking and feeling low. It was as if somehow, I had thrown myself from the pinnacle of heaven to the deepest bowels of hell.

I know why these things happen; that wasn't the first time that I felt that way. It haunts me so much that for the nth time, I was able to depress myself again for no apparent reason.

The root of all this shit isn't obscure to me: I know why I do these things and why I keep on making myself unhappy. But I just can't help myself. Seeing him leading the crowd in a whirling drama of song and music just reminded me on how I have--time and again--wished and loved the things that would never wish for me nor love me back.

I'm tired of making all the wrong moves and all the wrong decisions. I'm tired of wishing for things that are too far from my reach. I'm tired of this feeling of loneliness and helplessness. I'm tired of all my dreams and my aspirations. I'm tired of my life.

I am so tired.

If only there was prozac for unfulfilled wishes, broken dreams and unrequited love. If only there were answers to all my prayers and all my questions. If only there was something that will make me realize why the hell I still need to breathe and continue on with my boring--and now dangerously deadly--life.

Then again, everything is just shit.

Farewell

Today I say goodbye.

I say goodbye to a memory of tinoco, when two eyes met and one fell for the other. I say goodbye to a search of excitement for names from friends not mine but yours. I say goodbye to the first utterings of the word, the name, the man. I say goodbye to a time of passage, from constant thoughts to a heavy sleep.

I say goodbye to the moment of reawakening, in a stage standing proud in a field of grass. I say goodbye to moments of insanity, when all I see are blue colored shirts laid flat in a body. I say goodbye to the plans of a parade and the constant badgering of his president and friends.

I say goodbye to constant texting, of words and quotes from the band which I like. I say goodbye to thank you's and good nights and take care of yourself cause you're looking quite thin.

I say goodbye to talks, planned while walking looking for morgues. I say goodbye to that first text not of my number, and to schedulings which take weeks to fulfill.

I say goodbye to that first sitting, in a plaza filled with other people who care not. I say goodbye to questions that bother us and that moment when I realize that you were sitting next to me. I say goodbye to the moment I first looked into your eyes and told myself, damn I love how you look.

I say goodbye to days after that day, to messages sent not to those who need them. I say goodbye to cunning plans of deception and messages denying facts and identities.

I say goodbye to changes in plans, to changes in numbers, to changes in styles. I say goodbye to the messages in my inbox, which are trivial yet kept--like treasures given to someone who hopes and dreams and wishes. I say goodbye to brothers that reply, in fashions not serious nor naive. I say goodbye to quotes and messages, not required nor answered, nor kept or cared.

I say goodbye to the first time, within this span, that I first saw you. I say goodbye to the plotted scheme, of meeting and speaking or not meeting at all. I say goodbye to petty moments, when I am down just because I saw your face.

I say goodbye to the games, the chants, the cheers, the memories. I say goodbye to the hue, the wears, the dances.

I say goodbye to my stupidity, of pushing for things not meant to be. I say goodbye to fantasies of bending people who will never bend and feeling as though they feel for me too.

I say goodbye to the pain in my heart. I love you. I love you with all my heart, like I never loved or longed for anyone before. But I guess, some things are unrequited.

I say goodbye to you and to the things not meant to be.

Long live...

Long live.

Long live, Angelo.

Bakit Umuulan Kapag Bumabagyo? O Bakit Malakas si Milenyo?

Blabberings on Milenyo, the UAAP Finals and a little about love..

I am flabbergasted by how powerful the typhoon Milenyo was. Grabe! The night before the storm broke loose, I was still with Xi, Jmee, Mingu, Yan, Kuya Tupe, Gianand our AA Alumni, Ate Jade and Kuya Roy. Nag-inuman pa kami sa Tapsi. God! Akala ko no biggie pa yung storm, kasi parang drizzle lang yung nafeel namin last wednesday. I said to myself pa nga so overly excited naman ang mga tao kasi they were texting people that suspended na ang classes because of the storm.

Then I was just shocked when I woke up, finding our house swaying to the tune of the winds! Nakakatakot talaga! Kapag nasa second floor ka kasi nang house namin, you'll really feel the power of the winds (and not to mention hear it, as in! maririnig mo talagang pumipito ang hangin!) Grabe! The floor out by the main way of our house was so wet. Buti nalang hindi basa yung kwarto ko, kaya I managed to sleep through the whole ordeal.

And I was laughing at the thought that the night before, a friend was still asking me to pass the message that the Game 2 of the UST-Ateneo UAAP finals was still on. Grabe! Even I was shocked at what he said, kasi nga everybody was texting me that the game was already cancelled. So I texted him, "Hindi naman kaya tayo bagyuhin sa Araneta?" and he just answered with a thrifty "I hope not.." Well, so much for that! Buti nalang hindi ako tumuloy sa balak ko na pumunta don nang maaga, dahil if that was the case, I would have spent the night at Gateway! Hahaha!

Pero syempre, sad parin.. It's been almost a week since I got my maka-UST attitude burning. As in! I'm like a roaring time-bomb of School Spirit, ready to explode with an ear popping "Go USTe!" cheer when poked! No joke! I guess ngayon nalang nanaman kasi ako talagang na-soak sa ganitong feeling, of supporting something with all your heart. The last time was with Artistang Artlets, and I must admit, hanggang ngayon e ganon parin naman.. :D

At syempre, sad din ako dahil nacancel ang UAAP game dahil hindi ko nakita si Ang Rex. Well, sa mga nakakaalam nang tungkol kay Rex, I guess wag nyo nalang akong i-judge muna. First, I'm not doing this because I'm trying to win him--I'm so past that stage of flirting. I'm doing this kasi gusto ko siya, pero not in the way you would expect. Siguro he serves as an inspiration for me. I like him and I know he wouldn't like me back in the way I want him too. I guess ganon talaga yon. But rather than feeling low about it, I'd rather support him and his cause.

Hello?! Sabi nga ni Shiela--There are just so much fish in the sea.Tanong ko lang: E nasan kaya siya? Hahaha.

Para Kay "golihcbaG"

Hindi ko lang alam ha, pero kung tatanungin mo ako, mas maniniwala pa ako na ang normal days mo ay kapag down ka at ang abnormal days mo ay kapag masaya. Lagi ka nalang kasing down.

Kapag binabasa ko ang blog mo, puro mga "downer" post and nakalagay--kundi man mga pictures. Napapangiti nalang ako minsan kapag nakakita ako ng post na mukha namang masaya ka nung ginawa... ibig sabihin kasi ay wala kang iniisip na problema.

Alam kong hindi mo maikwekwento lahat ng mga iniisip mo at mga prinuproblema mo.. siguradong makakaubos tayo ng isang ream.. pero tandaan mo na nandito lang ako.. nandito lang kami.. para makinig sayo.

Hindi ko sinasabing kilala na kita katulad ng pagkilala ko sa mga batchmates ko, pero masasabi ko naman na kahit papano, alam ko na ang takbo ng isip mo... magulo, makulit, bibo. At alam ko rin kung ano ang mga hinaing mo at mga naisin mo..

Sa totoo lang, itinuturing kita bilang isa sa mga pinaka-mabuti kong kaibigan. Hindi lamang isang ka-organisasyon, hindi lang isang lower batch, hindi lang isang yosi-buddy, hindi lang isang kakilala. Kaya nasasaktan ako kapag pinipilit mong i-down ang sarili mo.

Kung ako ang tatanungin, napaka-gulo mo talagang tao.. ang dami mong attempts na pataasin ang self-esteem mo (kitang-kita sa blog) pero patuloy ka paring bumabalik sa dati... Ano ba talaga? Ilang beses ba namin dapat sabihin sa iyo na hindi ka dapat madown?

Kapag napag-uusapan ka namin minsan ni Xi, hindi namin alam kung ano ba talaga ang dapat gawin sa iyo. Parang ilang beses ka na yata naming sinabihan na wag kang ma-down, pero lugmok ka parin.

Hindi ka loser. Hindi ka bobo. Hindi ka weird (minsan). Hindi ka pangit. Hindi ka mahina. Hindi ka nag-iisa.

Kung sa tingin mo na-iiwan ka na, wag kang ma down. May panahon para sa lahat--may panahon para sa iyo. Siguro hindi mo pa panahon ngayon, at siguro mayroon pang mas magandang araw para sa iyo. Pero hindi dahil parang napag-iiwanan ka na ngayon eh magpapakalumo ka nalang. Hindi ganon ang sistema.

Noong una kitang nakita, akala ko ay isa ka lang batang medyo marunong umarte pero walang ibang talent kundi magpatawa. Pero nung mas nakilala kita, nakita ko ang potensiyal mong kakayahan. Nakita ko kung ano ang kaya mong marating. Nakita ko kung sino ka talaga.

Minsan, napag-usapan ka namin ni Yan. Tuwang-tuwa daw siya sa iyo. Alam mo kung bakit? Dahil parang nakuha mo daw lahat ng mga leksyong gustong ituro ng AA. Kahit ako nagugulat kapag naririnig kitang nagbibigay ng mga komento na tunay nga namang makatotohanan.. Ibig sabihin lang niyan eh alam mo na kung ano ba talaga itong organisasyon natin.

Marahil, hindi mo alam na marami sa amin ang nakakapansin na ang oras kung kailan pinaka-"madunong" ka ay kapag nagpapaka-seryoso ka. Para kasing isang napaka-mature na member ang nagsasalita. Iyan ba ang isang napag-iiwanan?

Isipin mo, ikumpara mo. Sa tingin mo ba ay wala ka pang nararating ngayon mula sa pagiging Denver mo dati? Siguro hindi mo makokonsidera na malaking mga achievements ang mga nagawa mo... pero hindi mo rin pwedeng sabihin na walang kwenta.

Mahal ka namin at alam namin ang tunay mong potensiyal. Wag kang mag-aatubiling humingi ng tulong. Hindi ka loser, wag mong isipin yan.

Lahat ng bagay ay may panahon. Maghintay ka lang...

... yosi muna tayo.

Father, Barya lang po sa Umaga

Priests are a different breed of people. Either they're really holy messengers of goodness or bags of shit. As for the one I'm going to describe in this post, well, I'll let you decide for yourself.

Hay nako, im back to blogging! After my "cryptic" post last time, I decided to write about more mundane things now. Besides, who reads poems?...

We went to Manaoag last Sunday. Very religious kasi mom ko, so syempre dapat kasama rin kasi. Well, okay na sana lahat e, kaso Buddhist ako.. :D

Syempre, the trip was very, very, very flabbergastingly long. Kung exhausted na ako from the trip mula Tarlac hanggang Manaoag, I could hardly imagine the poor souls na nagtratravel from Manila to Manaoag. Well, sigurado namang mapera yung mga yon, kaya no problem talaga.

So yun, nasa Manaoag na kami. Syempre, pumunta kami sa favorite spot ng mom ko dun sa may left-wing ng church. At dahil it was a sunday, walang vacant seats.. which was good for me kasi kung nakaupo ako, hindi ako makakatakas every now and then..

Tapos, nung nasa likod ako habang nagma-mass, biglang may dumaan na lalaking nakagreen na polo sa may harapan ko. Eh mukhang familiar.. it turns out, si Kuya Milfen--AKA the newly elected AB Student Council president!--pala yung nakita kong yun.. And I totally agree with what he said: "small world!"

Kaya yon, umeskapo muna ako at pumunta sa may van upang humithit ng isa at uminom ng Pop. Tapos, balik uli ako. Homily. Dun ako biglang nawindang...

Si Father Suny Ramirez (i don't care if in case I spelled his name wrong; who is he anyway?) ang celebrant. At nainis ako ng maulinigan ko ang kanyang homily na bumabatikos sa mga taong nakaangat na raw pero barya parin ang binibigay sa simbahan.

I hate to be rude, but you are one hypocritical priest! Lumalabas ang tunay mong kulay! I know Im not under you, since im not Catholic, but you should be ashamed.

What is the essence of the offertory in the Catholic ritual? It is through this phase that the worshipers offer what they want to offer. The offertory is not compulsary. Rather, it is an act which should be done with one's own will.

Priests have no right to judge people by what they offer. So what if they offer coin? Is that offering lesser than those which are of paper? Of course not! If that is what you want to offer, that's totally up to you! It is your own decision! You offer not for the value of the offering but the value of the act of offering!

So why are some fucking priests trying to get people to offer more? Well, have you ever considered where monetary offerings go? Surely the Messiah doesn't have a savings account, nor does Yahweh have a large, holy piggy bank in the vatican.

Money from collections go to the Church and the Priest. That's why many priests are rich (filthy rich)--the money people think they're offering to some un-accessible God actually goes into these priests' pockets. Of course, some of it will actually go to the church to be used to buy supplies and stuff, as well as for renovations. But the large part goes to feeding the priesthood (remember, priesthood is not a paying job...)

This incident showed me that for over a hundred years, the Church in the Philippines is still dominated with the prayles of Rizal's time. The fat hypocrites from Spain still have their descendants here, and their reign is far from over. I'm sure that if Rizal heard Ramirez's speech, he would not have thought twice of writing a third installment of his novel.

Why am I affected by all of this? Im not Christian. Shouldn't I just ignore this and just try to see how I can follow Dukkhanirodhagaminipratipat? (enroll at Dr. Co's class, you'll get the idea...)

Im affected because I can see how many people are still not capable of finding their own paths. They still cling on to the teachings which are now very frail and easy to break. I can just imagine how many people actually believed in that sermon, and how many people will actually give more to priests when they themselves have little money to spend for themselves. Poverty generated by Spirituality--that's an irony...

In the end, there's nothing I can do more than to write this blog. The damage has been done, and I hate to admit that such people exist. But I hope that those who read this will be able to examine what it is in the offertory that really counts.

PS: Sorry for the flaming language I used. This is not a direct attack to the Church--only towards Fr. Ramirez... And oh, did you know he once sweared while giving his homily?... Now that's a priest!