Ride Home Poetry No. 1

Move over a little
The space is not limited
The jeepney is open to all
We're not the only ones here

You joke too much
But I guess you already know that
The problem is I'm gullible
And I'm not joking with you

Please stop
You're hurting me
And you just might hurt yourself too
Don't do this
I'm just too weak to resist

I'm bleeding
I can't take another blow
I told him I'll stop after that
I can't help it
It seems like I'm falling
Once again

No.
Over and over again

The picture's stuck
The music plays
I don't want it
I don't want you
But I guess that's how it goes

The jeepney is almost full
My words are almost empty
There's just no room for another bag
In this empty space

Nasaan na ang SONA?

Sa aking pakikinig sa SONA ng Pangulo noong nakaraang Lunes, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong magtanong: nasaan na ang SONA? Sa hinaba-haba ng kanyang mga sinabi at sa likod ng kanyang nakakaantok na speech, hindi ko mahanap kung saan nya itinago ang tunay na SONA.

Kung aalamin natin, ang SONA ay isang acronym o pinaiksing tawag para sa "State of the Nation Address." Ano ang ibig sabihin nito? Isa itong address o isang pahayag ukol sa kasalukuyang state o kalagayan ng ating bansa.

Siguro ay nawili ang pangulo habang nagsusulat siya ng SONA, dahil sa lahat ng kanyang sinulat, halos walang nabanggit ukol sa tunay na kalagayan ng ating bansa. Ang mga narinig ko ay mga plano at pangako; walang akong narinig na mga katotohanang maari nating makita sa ating sariling mga mata.

Hindi ko masisisi ang pangulo. Siguro, naisipan niya na ang tanging paraan upang maisalba ang kanyang sarili, na ngayon ay binabatikos at kinakalaban, ay sa pamamagitan ng pagpapakita ng magarang powerpoint presentation at pagsasabi ng mga pangarap at mga plano na alam naman natin na hindi natin kayang abutin.

Walang masama sa pangangarap. Ang masama ay kung kasama ang isang buong bansa sa pangarap mo na may malaking posibilidad na hindi matuloy o mauwi lamang sa kontrobersya.

Marahil, hindi rin napansin ng mga taong palakpak nang palakpak habang nakikinig sa pangulo na wala talagang SONA na naganap--masyado kasi silang masaya. Siguro nagpapa-pogi lang sila sa pangulo, o di kaya'y wala lang talaga silang alam ukol sa SONA.

Nasaan na ang mga ulat ukol sa kahirapan? O di kaya'y sa kawalan ng trabaho o kababaan ng suweldo? Nasaan na ang mga dahilan ukol sa korupsyon na hindi parin masupil? Sa krimen na hindi parin mapigilan? Sa patuloy na pagtaas ng bilihin at ng produktong petrolyo? Nasaan na ang tunay na SONA na kailangang marinig ni Juan dela Cruz?

Hindi naman siguro manhid ang mga Pilipino para hindi makita na hanggang ngayon, wala paring pagbabago sa Pilipinas. At ito marahil ang dahilan kung bakit hindi na nilagay ng pangulo ang mga bagay-bagay na ito sa kanyang ibinigay na SONA. Sapagkat kung ibibigay ng pangulo ang tunay na kalagayan ng Pilipinas, hindi na sya magtatagal pa sa entablado. Sasabihin lang nya, "Eto, katulad parin ng dati!"

Ang daming mga pangako. Ang daming mga plano. Ang daming mga gustong gawin. Pero ang dami ring gagastusing pera, ang dami ring utang na kailangang kunim, ang dami ring mga pulitikong mangungurakot.

Ano nga ba talaga ang tunay na SONA ng Pilipinas? Humanap ka ng isang ordinaryong mamamayan ng Pilipinas at tanungin mo siya kung ano ang tingin n'ya sa bansa n'ya ngayon. 'Yun ang tunay na SONA.

Hindi mga plano ang solusyon sa mga problema ng Pilipinas. Hindi mga super-regions o mga malalaking inprastraktura na aabutin ng ilang trilyong piso. Hindi yan ang kailangang marining sa SONA.

Ang kailangan namin, mahal na pangulo, ay marinig nang direkta kung ano ba talaga ang mga problema ngayon at kung ano ang ginagawa nyo upang masagot ang mga ito. Iyon ang SONA na hinihintay ng mga Pilipino.

Hindi naming kailangan ng mga pangako, nang mga plano, ng mga kahibangang wala naming direktang maitutulong sa pang-araw-araw naming pamumuhay. Hindi lahat ng mga taong nasa-ilalim mo, mahal na pangulo, ay mayayaman. Hindi naming kailangan ng mararangyang bagay; Kailangan lang naming mabuhay ng masaya. Hindi rin namin kailangan si Pacquiao.

Nasaan na ang tunay na nilalaman ng SONA? Tumingin ka sa paligid mo ngayon. Yan ang tunay kalagayan ng bansa. Tsk. tsk., nakakalungot ano?

Isang araw, dalawang suntok sa dibdib ng mga Pilipino. Hindi na nga tayo nanalo sa Miss Universe (Miss Photogenic lang), wala pa tayong napala sa SONA.

Sana natulog nalang tayo.

(This paper is dedicated to Sir Ampil... Sir, eto napo yung paper ko.. Uno yan!)

Alam Kong Ako ang Nag-Give-Up

Matagal ko nang kinikimkim ang bagay na ito sa puso ko. Sinabi ko dati, wala ito, nababaliw lang ako, nagpapaka-senti lang ako sa mga bagay-bagay na nakaraan.

Pero nung makita ko yung Friendster profile mo at nakita ko yung mga picture mo at nang syota mo, puta talaga! Hindi ko matiis!

Nung isang araw, may lagnat ako. Sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko. Alam mo kung ano ang nakakatawa? Habang nakahiga ako at nagpapahinga, ikaw ang naaalala ko. Naaalala ko yung pakiramdam nung tayo pa. Yung feeling na nandyan ka. Yung mga panahon na nagkakasama tayo sa classroom at sa computer lab. Yung tawagan natin. Yung jologs na kanta na naging themesong natin. Naaalala ko lahat yun... pati narin nung niloko mo ako.

Putang-ina mo naman kasi e! Mahal kita! Ni minsan hindi kita niloko, ni minsan hindi kita inaway, pero anong nakuha ko? Nakikipagtext ka dun sa isa mo habang hindi mo man lang ako makuhang itext! Iniwan mo ako sa bahay nila Quisano para tumulong sa thesis nyo habang nakipagkita ka sa kanya sa Metro! Tangina talaga! Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit yon?

Tapos nung isang taon, tinawagan kita dahil miss na kita at inimbitahan pa kita sa bahay namin para mag-overnight. At bago pa nangyari ang mga bagay-bagay, kinuwentuhan mo pa ako na hindi pala naging kayo nung isa mo at sa halip ay naging kayo ni F__! Alam mo, kahit na nakikitawa ako sa iyo, ang sakit nuon para sa akin. Tinapon mo lahat nang meron tayo pero wala ka paring napala! Puta ka talaga! Mahal kita e!

At ang pinaka-masakit e hindi mo man lang sinabi na meron ka pala nung time na yon. Putang ina! Feeling ko e ginamit lang natin ang isa't-isa para maligayahan tayo nang isang gabi. Akala ko pa naman e may pag-asa pa tayo...

Ang sakit para sa akin, pero kailangan kong aminin: mahal parin talaga kita. Kahit na anong gawin ko, ikaw parin ang taong mahal ko. I still can't get over you! It's been three years, pero nandito parin ako, umaasa na magtetext ka kahit minsan lang.

Tama ka sa mga sinabi mo nung gabing nagbreak tayo: "Bahala ka. Basta't tandaan mo, ikaw ang nag-give-up." Ginawa ko yun dahil alam kong walang patutunguhan yung mga bagay non. Tangina! Niloko mo ako e!

Alam kong wala akong laban sa iba mo: hindi naman ako gwapo, hindi naman ako magaling, at may mga bagay na kulang sa akin. Pero mahal kita! Hindi pa ba yon sapat para sa iyo?

Siguro hindi, dahil hanggang ngayon e nagdadalawang isip parin ako kung minahal mo nga ba talaga ako o kung talagang naging tayo ba. Mas madali kasing tangapin na iba lang ang habol mo sa akin noon.

Wag mong bigyan ng malisya ang post kong ito. Sa pagsusulat ko ng post na ito, wala akong ibang kagustuhan kundi ang sabihin lang kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman ko. Mahal kita, yun lang yon. Hindi kita hinihikayat na magbalik, hindi ko rin ineexpect na bigla mo akong ikokontact para mangumusta. Hindi ko rin nga alam kung mababasa mo ito e.

Ngayong nasabi ko na ang mga nararamdaman ko, bahala na ang buhay, bahala na ang panahon. At kahit alam kong magkakaroon parin ng mga oras na magbabalik ako sa nakaraan at mapag-iisip ako kung ano nga kaya ang nangyari kung hindi ako nag-give-up, ayoko nang umasa. Ang mga assumera kasi, hindi lumiligaya.

Yun lang yon.

We're All In Love... With Ourselves

I woke up so tired today, my head still hurts while I'm writing this blog. I guess the overnight last Friday is still taking its toll on my body. I don't even think I'm really okay--my nose is getting kinda runny and my throat burns like hell, which means I can't enjoy smoking--something that I'm a bit thankful for...

We're all in love with ourselves, that's the title of this post. This is the main idea of the new script of the group where Gabchilog and I spent our friday night. Of course, this was never a new idea; the same thought has been used in one episode of CSI.

If I say that we are all in love with ourselves, im not saying that we're all vain and narcissistic. It doesn't really work that way. Being in love with one's self doesn't mean staring at the mirror all day, whispering compliments and trying to realize how perfect we really are..

Think about this: if you were to think of a perfect lover for yourself, how would he or she be? What would be his or her interests, beliefs, philosophy? What would he or she like?..

For most of us, the idea of a perfect lover is someone most likely to be ourselves. Someone with the same interests, beliefs or ideas. Someone who will want to do the same things with us. Someone who will laugh at the things we also find funny, cry with those we find sad. Our basis for the ideal lover is ourselves.

Which brings us to an interesting problem: we are all so unique, that to find someone just like us will only lead back ourselves.

No matter what we do, no one can be exactly like us. No one can share everything that we are. The ideal lover we all wish for exists only in ourselves.

But instead of this being a problem, this creates and opportunity for us. Yes, we can never find the pegs who will fit in our holes perfectly, but we can find people who won't. If you and your lover are so similar, there would be no thrill, for you would know everything about him or her and there would be no room for anything new. Man is curious by nature, and it is in discovery that man finds him happiness.

We are all in love with ourselves. Unfortunately, we cannot love ourselves like we love our lovers. That, my friend, is just creepy.

Once Again, There's Rain

The rain slashes
the wall of my room
I remember you
You always loved the rain
I always hated it

The wet drops fly
from every side; I feel
the cold I feel you
I miss you

I could not talk to
you; I could not look
at you

Not now
Not soon

I feel the loneliness
The water sticks to
my throat, Like the beer
I tasted last night
And once again I'm drunk

The closet door is
open, I want to get in
I want to hide
But you'll just know I'm there

I don't want to move
At least not now;
I'm still unsure
No music is playing
No Yael to cheer me up

The talks are over
I have already confessed
But I cannot have communion
Not now; not with you

I'm searching for something
else; But my heart yearns
for you; Time is running--
Not out but fast

I wish I was not bent
If that was I wouldn't be
confused; I don't want to rush
into you; I don't think
I can take that

You're special to me
But I also like sticks
Not just mountains and valleys
But I like you beyond any of that

I want to be with you
Although I long for something else
Something beyond the rain
Something beyond the waters

I love you, but I'm afraid
I'm afraid to approach something,
I might regret later
I just don't want to hurt you...

Because I'm just not ready yet
And I don't think you are too

A year will pass and
I will know
And you too will know
I will just be here
I just hope you're still there

The rain slashes outside
I feel the cold
I feel the sadness

I wish I could feel you too..

Freedom of Suppression

This short piece was part of a poster I was suppose to post on the Freedom Wall of the Faculty of Arts and Letters in UST. It's my own voice on the "Saguid Affair" last school year. For those who do not know the whole story, its a case of a CA Senior named Joseph Saguid, editor-in-chief of the Flame, who posted an article which criticized an AB Professor. What follows is strictly my own "twisted" opinion.

By posting a few sheets of paper on the Freedom Wall, Joseph Saguid has brought about a swirling sense of confusion surrounding freedom of expression. I believe that it was not his intention to do so. But the chain of events that proceeded from a simple expression of views has given us all something to ponder on.

I believe that the "Saguid Posting" is a simple narrative-analysis document: his main intention was both to tell his batch's story and interpret it in terms of the why's and how's. I did not see anything gravely wrong with the text itself, nor with the call for action that it tried to inspire. Mr. Saguid was free to voice out his views, which was exactly what he did.

But then some people asked for the removal of the posting from the wall. Others took legal action against the writer. The simple expression of personal views became, for others, an apathetic (and somewhat rebellious) document.

So does this mean that freedom of expression is being curtailed? No.

Mr. Saguid is being questioned not because he used his freedom of expression but because of how he used that freedom. He has the right to voice his personal opinion, but others also have the right to challenge that opinion.

The others who have gone against the Saguid Posting and its writer are not curtailing freedom of expression. In fact, they are even promoting it. By condemning the posting and the writer, these people are just expressing their own views of apathy towards Mr. Saguid and his own views. Even legal action is but a form of this freedom of expression. Their actions just made everyone more interested with the discussion, inspiring a multitude of people to post more messages on the freedom board. Therefore, freedom of expression is not being suppressed here in AB but being promoted.

Mr. Saguid used his freedom of expression to explain the status of his batch, while the Administration used their own freedom of expression to question that other expression. But many students are getting angry. Why? Because they say that the Administration's actions are nothing more than a suppression of the basic right of self-expression. But the Administration was merely expressing its own views! Which brings us to a very interesting question: whose freedom of expression is really being suppressed?

The problem with freedom is that we all have it. We, as humans, have been thrown into this world with the gift of free-will. And it is the availability of freedom that is now the main source of our problem. Yes. we are all free. But the freedom we possess is limited by the freedom that others also possess.

Don't misinterpret me here; I'm not voicing out my full support for Mr. Saguid nor am I condemning his actions. I am also not defending the Administration nor am I saying that they are always right (they're also human, figure it out). What I am trying to do here is to look at the nature of freedom of expression. I believe that the attempt is both trivial and arguable. But I do hope that I am able to confuse the confusion off the topic.

The subject of freedom is hard to analyze, particularly because too much meaning has been jammed into a seven-letter word. But in the end, we must remember one thing: in a world like ours where freedom is inherent, freedom will limit itself by nature.

Why were still Unhappy

Happiness is the goal of every human being. But like everything else we want, happiness is something we can't ever seem to find. For all we know, happiness can be staring at us right in the face, but like an elusive bandit masquerading in the streets, we just can't see it.

Why are we unhappy? Well, it's a hard question to answer. But I believe that our unhappiness lies in our basic nature. We are human and humans are rarely happy. It is imbedded in our being, it is in our existence. Whether we like it or not, we may never be happy as long as we are human.

This may be a hard thing to swallow, but it is somewhat true. But what is it in our humanity that makes us unhappy? Well, it's our basic instinct to want, and it is this basic instinct that drives us to our unhappy state.

In a world without dreams, without desires, without hope there will be no loss nor pain nor unhappiness. Wars will not be fought for we do not wish to be victorious. Struggles will not arise for we will all be contented. Love will flourish because we are at peace.

In that world, whether we fail or we win we will not be unhappy because we never wanted to win or to lose anyway. Everything that comes in our way will be welcomed, and therefore happiness will be found no matter what.

But a world without dreams, without desires, without hope is not a good world to live in. Without dreams or hope or desires everything will be worthless, everything will be passable, everything will be nothing to us. It is our struggle that gives everything its value. We esteem too lightly what we get too cheep.

We as humans will never be happy. We will never be fulfilled. We will never stop dreaming or hoping. But in a sense, it is our unhappiness, which drives us to want more and to find more, which in turn makes us happy. For every victory, for every dream fulfilled, for every desire obtain, we become more happy. And even though there is a gamble and we may fail, in the end we still find joy in our own sadness.

Quit Smoking for the Nth Time

Let's just admit it. We smokers are a different breed of people. No matter what we do, we just love inhaling that toxic gas that will eventually lead to the failure of our lungs and, I do hate to admit the truth, death. But no matter what the doctors say, it's a habit we just can't get enough of.

So what can we do? We can quit of course! Now I believe that for most of us, announcing to our friends that we are quitting smoking is already an annual event. Whatever the method, whatever the cause, it's just so hard to quit smoking! So how the fuck are we gonna get through this time?

Well, I prepared some creative ways to quit smoking. Although these are not tried and tested formulas (I think..) I believe that it will help a steady smoker to finally let go of this harmful (yet very, very, very satisfying and somewhat "intoxicating") habit.

1. Cigarette Edging. Buy a pack (or better yet, a whole carton) of your favorite expensive brand--the pricier, the better. Make sure that it's still unopened. Take it with you the whole day and don't buy or bring any other cigarette. Resist the urge to open the pack and smoke a stick. Finally, when you can no longer hold on, take the pack slowly and open it. Then slowly take a stick and put it in your mouth. Take your lighter, light up a fire and then slowly bring it close to your cigarette. When the flame is somewhat close enough to light the stick, put the fire out, take the stick off your mouth and place it back into the carton--then throw the cigarette pack as far as you can. I call this technique "Cigarette Edging."
2. Burn! Baby! Burn! Take some money equal to the amount you spend each day on cigarettes. Place the money in a bowl, pour in some flammable liquid (burning alcohol or lighter fluid) and then take your favorite lighter and set the bowl on fire. This will show you just how much money you're burning. Note: better to use paper money; coins don't really burn so well.
3. Mantra. Open up a cigarette and take out the shredded tobacco inside. Take burn some charcoal and place the shredded tobacco on the burning embers (like burning incense). Inhale the smoke and slowly repeat this mantra: "Now I know how other people around me feel..."
4. Lawn Smoker. After cutting grass from your lawn (or your neighbor's lawn), take some of the lawn grass and dry it up. Roll it into a stick and smoke it like a regular cigarette. Feel the smoke slowly burning your throat.
5. Patch Plugin. If you tried nicotine patches and they don't work, try this simple trick: take a patch and stick it to your tounge for that added flavor. Works like a charm!
6. Gum Plugin. If you're into gums, simply mix your gum with some charcoal and some cayenne pepper. Gives you that "hot-and-smokey-feeling."
7. Fuck Technique. While you're still trying to quit, ask your lover to not have sex with you. For each day you don't smoke or even touch a cigarette, let your lover know that you need a reward. Be sure to fuck you lover really hard.
8. Porn Stare. If you're into porn, try watching some porn while smoking: same-sex porn. If you're straight, simply take gay porn of the same sex as yourself. If you're not, watch same-sex porn of your opposite sex (i.e. man2man porn if you're lesbian, girl2girl porn if you're gay). If you're a bisexual, just visit Rotten.com. Be sure to resist the urge to inhale some smoke during the good parts!
9. Gotch Grandma. Light a cigarette and then hide in your bathroom. Wait until your Grandmother comes to take her bath. Watch her, but do resist the urge to inhale some more.
10. Deep Throating. And finally, take a stick and light it up. Inhale some smoke deeply into your lungs--but do not blow it out! Keep the smoke inside of you until you pass out or lose your conciousness. Do this until you go into a coma or die--either way, you're done with smoking.

There, I hope you found a good way to quit smoking. I bet that after doing any of the methods listed above, you'll be on your way to a smoke-free life.

But before you go on and try out the techniques, I would just like to impart a message to you: Quitters are Losers! Hehehe!

Disclaimer: The contents of this post are fictious and shouldn't be trusted... and so is this message.