Electric Itlog

An archive of what was and what will be...

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Quit Smoking for the Nth Time

Let's just admit it. We smokers are a different breed of people. No matter what we do, we just love inhaling that toxic gas that will eventually lead to the failure of our lungs and, I do hate to admit the truth, death. But no matter what the doctors say, it's a habit we just can't get enough of.

So what can we do? We can quit of course! Now I believe that for most of us, announcing to our friends that we are quitting smoking is already an annual event. Whatever the method, whatever the cause, it's just so hard to quit smoking! So how the fuck are we gonna get through this time?

Well, I prepared some creative ways to quit smoking. Although these are not tried and tested formulas (I think..) I believe that it will help a steady smoker to finally let go of this harmful (yet very, very, very satisfying and somewhat "intoxicating") habit.

  1. Cigarette Edging. Buy a pack (or better yet, a whole carton) of your favorite expensive brand--the pricier, the better. Make sure that it's still unopened. Take it with you the whole day and don't buy or bring any other cigarette. Resist the urge to open the pack and smoke a stick. Finally, when you can no longer hold on, take the pack slowly and open it. Then slowly take a stick and put it in your mouth. Take your lighter, light up a fire and then slowly bring it close to your cigarette. When the flame is somewhat close enough to light the stick, put the fire out, take the stick off your mouth and place it back into the carton--then throw the cigarette pack as far as you can. I call this technique "Cigarette Edging."
  2. Burn! Baby! Burn! Take some money equal to the amount you spend each day on cigarettes. Place the money in a bowl, pour in some flammable liquid (burning alcohol or lighter fluid) and then take your favorite lighter and set the bowl on fire. This will show you just how much money you're burning. Note: better to use paper money; coins don't really burn so well.
  3. Mantra. Open up a cigarette and take out the shredded tobacco inside. Take burn some charcoal and place the shredded tobacco on the burning embers (like burning incense). Inhale the smoke and slowly repeat this mantra: "Now I know how other people around me feel..."
  4. Lawn Smoker. After cutting grass from your lawn (or your neighbor's lawn), take some of the lawn grass and dry it up. Roll it into a stick and smoke it like a regular cigarette. Feel the smoke slowly burning your throat.
  5. Patch Plugin. If you tried nicotine patches and they don't work, try this simple trick: take a patch and stick it to your tounge for that added flavor. Works like a charm!
  6. Gum Plugin. If you're into gums, simply mix your gum with some charcoal and some cayenne pepper. Gives you that "hot-and-smokey-feeling."
  7. Fuck Technique. While you're still trying to quit, ask your lover to not have sex with you. For each day you don't smoke or even touch a cigarette, let your lover know that you need a reward. Be sure to fuck you lover really hard.
  8. Porn Stare. If you're into porn, try watching some porn while smoking: same-sex porn. If you're straight, simply take gay porn of the same sex as yourself. If you're not, watch same-sex porn of your opposite sex (i.e. man2man porn if you're lesbian, girl2girl porn if you're gay). If you're a bisexual, just visit Rotten.com. Be sure to resist the urge to inhale some smoke during the good parts!
  9. Gotch Grandma. Light a cigarette and then hide in your bathroom. Wait until your Grandmother comes to take her bath. Watch her, but do resist the urge to inhale some more.
  10. Deep Throating. And finally, take a stick and light it up. Inhale some smoke deeply into your lungs--but do not blow it out! Keep the smoke inside of you until you pass out or lose your conciousness. Do this until you go into a coma or die--either way, you're done with smoking.

There, I hope you found a good way to quit smoking. I bet that after doing any of the methods listed above, you'll be on your way to a smoke-free life.

But before you go on and try out the techniques, I would just like to impart a message to you: Quitters are Losers! Hehehe!

Disclaimer: The contents of this post are fictious and shouldn't be trusted... and so is this message.



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