Shit

Somehow, I have the uncanny ability to turn the best moments of my life into shit.

Last night was supposed to be magical. For the first time, I was face-to-face with the person who I admired greatly and has kept me crazy for the longest time. But somehow, it wasn't as I wanted it to be. Instead of feeling the moment, feeling the passion, feeling the magic that was surrounding me, I was there sulking and feeling low. It was as if somehow, I had thrown myself from the pinnacle of heaven to the deepest bowels of hell.

I know why these things happen; that wasn't the first time that I felt that way. It haunts me so much that for the nth time, I was able to depress myself again for no apparent reason.

The root of all this shit isn't obscure to me: I know why I do these things and why I keep on making myself unhappy. But I just can't help myself. Seeing him leading the crowd in a whirling drama of song and music just reminded me on how I have--time and again--wished and loved the things that would never wish for me nor love me back.

I'm tired of making all the wrong moves and all the wrong decisions. I'm tired of wishing for things that are too far from my reach. I'm tired of this feeling of loneliness and helplessness. I'm tired of all my dreams and my aspirations. I'm tired of my life.

I am so tired.

If only there was prozac for unfulfilled wishes, broken dreams and unrequited love. If only there were answers to all my prayers and all my questions. If only there was something that will make me realize why the hell I still need to breathe and continue on with my boring--and now dangerously deadly--life.

Then again, everything is just shit.

Farewell

Today I say goodbye.

I say goodbye to a memory of tinoco, when two eyes met and one fell for the other. I say goodbye to a search of excitement for names from friends not mine but yours. I say goodbye to the first utterings of the word, the name, the man. I say goodbye to a time of passage, from constant thoughts to a heavy sleep.

I say goodbye to the moment of reawakening, in a stage standing proud in a field of grass. I say goodbye to moments of insanity, when all I see are blue colored shirts laid flat in a body. I say goodbye to the plans of a parade and the constant badgering of his president and friends.

I say goodbye to constant texting, of words and quotes from the band which I like. I say goodbye to thank you's and good nights and take care of yourself cause you're looking quite thin.

I say goodbye to talks, planned while walking looking for morgues. I say goodbye to that first text not of my number, and to schedulings which take weeks to fulfill.

I say goodbye to that first sitting, in a plaza filled with other people who care not. I say goodbye to questions that bother us and that moment when I realize that you were sitting next to me. I say goodbye to the moment I first looked into your eyes and told myself, damn I love how you look.

I say goodbye to days after that day, to messages sent not to those who need them. I say goodbye to cunning plans of deception and messages denying facts and identities.

I say goodbye to changes in plans, to changes in numbers, to changes in styles. I say goodbye to the messages in my inbox, which are trivial yet kept--like treasures given to someone who hopes and dreams and wishes. I say goodbye to brothers that reply, in fashions not serious nor naive. I say goodbye to quotes and messages, not required nor answered, nor kept or cared.

I say goodbye to the first time, within this span, that I first saw you. I say goodbye to the plotted scheme, of meeting and speaking or not meeting at all. I say goodbye to petty moments, when I am down just because I saw your face.

I say goodbye to the games, the chants, the cheers, the memories. I say goodbye to the hue, the wears, the dances.

I say goodbye to my stupidity, of pushing for things not meant to be. I say goodbye to fantasies of bending people who will never bend and feeling as though they feel for me too.

I say goodbye to the pain in my heart. I love you. I love you with all my heart, like I never loved or longed for anyone before. But I guess, some things are unrequited.

I say goodbye to you and to the things not meant to be.

Long live...

Long live.

Long live, Angelo.